


Grieving

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Repressed Feelings, idk how to tag things help, post s16e16, sonny is too nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 21:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18507727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: He felt like he was dying; like his heart was being ripped apart inside of his chest and the pieces scattered throughout his ribcage. All he wanted was to be held and rocked and sung to and told he was safe. But Abuelita was gone and no one could ever understand his pain the way she could.





	Grieving

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first barisi fic so apologies if it's shit mwah
> 
> my twitter is @snnycarisi

Walking into the 16th Precinct the morning after his grandmother died filled Rafael with dread. While waiting for news on his abuelita’s condition, he stabbed out too many frantic text messages to Olivia that, in hindsight, were fairly embarrassing. He trusted his friend not to gossip about his personal life with the other detectives, but couldn’t help but feel every set of eyes glued to him. Keeping his head held high and chest puffed out, Rafael strode towards Olivia’s office.

Olivia knew him well, probably better than anyone else he had ever worked with, and she could tell he did not want to talk about his grief. Not here, not now, probably not ever; if there was one thing Rafael had learned as a prosecutor it was how to separate himself from his emotions. Besides, crying about it wasn’t going to bring Abuelita back.

They argued about the case and eventually he agreed to get her the damn warrant she wanted. Olivia Benson was one stubborn woman. Before he could leave she called out,  
“Rafael, hold on a minute,” He sighed, knowing this was when he would have to talk about his feelings, “How are you doing?” Rafael scoffed at the way her voice grew softer as she danced around the topic of his grandmother’s death. Her victim voice.

“I’m fine Liv, and I’d appreciate if you let me get out of here to get you your warrant.” Olivia frowned at the dismissal of her concern but knew not to push it; if he wanted to talk he would, they both knew that. Avoiding looking anyone in the eye as he left, Rafael marched out of the precinct and towards his office. He hoped the short walk would clear his mind. 

Hours melted together as Rafael put his whole body and mind into working. He hadn’t even thought to stop until Carmen elegantly stepped into his office, announcing her leaving for the day. Even she was treading lightly around him, as though just because he had lost his grandmother he would shatter at any second. Glancing down at his watch, he observed it was after 9pm- he had been at work for over twelve hours. Never mind though, there was work to be done and bad guys to be put away. 

Rafael felt exhaustion settle in his bones and began to pack his belongings away when a short knock sounded at his office door. At 10:34pm, panic rose in his chest at the thought of who could possibly want to see him now.

“Ah, counselor, I thought you’d still be here,” The Staten Island accent attached to a lanky body and beaming grin stepped into Rafael’s office. Another time Rafael might have offered to buy him a drink or entertain whatever legal hypotheticals the younger man had bouncing around his mind, but tonight there was nothing he wanted more than to pass out in bed after a glass of scotch alone. He curtly nodded, indicating Carisi get out whatever it was he wanted to say so they could both go home. 

“I heard about your grandmother,” Seeing the shocked expression on Rafael’s face he added, “Sarge told me- I was buggin’ her because you looked real upset earlier and I wanted to know what was going on and if you were alright- and I guess I could just ask, are you alright Barba?” Carisi’s ears turned pink as the word-vomit fell from his mouth. Rafael almost found it endearing. Almost.

“I’m fine. Really. If you’ll excuse me I need to get home and sleep.” Rafael hurriedly collected his things, hoping the detective would take the hint and leave but instead he drifted towards the desk and sat down with no regard as to what papers may be under his ass. 

Carisi grabbed at Rafael’s jacket sleeve, forcing him to hold unwavering eye-contact with the younger man,  
“Hey, just listen a minute. I know you were close to her and it’s never easy to lose someone you’re close to. Everyone deals with grief in a different way and maybe this is just how you’re processing it, but I also know it’s not healthy to act like you’re fine when you’re not. You have my number in your phone,” Rafael rolled his eyes, knowing exactly what the detective would say next, “You don’t have to call me, but I’m here if you need me. Anytime you wanna to talk I’ll be there, I mean it.” And seeming content with his speech, he nodded and left the office.

Rafael was a little shocked, if he was honest. He knew Carisi to be compassionate but the man had just trekked over from the precinct, when he probably could have been going home, to check up on Rafael. 

In the short Uber ride home, Rafael thought about Carisi. The way he would sacrifice what little free time he gets to help anyone that asked, whether it was his sisters, Amanda or now Rafael. Rafael was not a selfish person by any means, but the thought of acting as wholeheartedly selfless as Carisi made his head swim. How he had survived into adulthood and not been burnt out was beyond Rafael, if anything it instilled a newfound respect for the younger man inside of him.

The apartment was empty when Rafael arrived home- obviously, he had lived alone for over twenty years now, but somehow the silence was more intense than it usual. It seeped through every crack under every door, through every pore in Rafael's body and he felt hollow in a way he never had before. Just wanting this day to end, he stripped out of his suit in favour of maroon sweatpants and a grey t-shirt he had had since the beginning of time and collapsed into the sheets of his king-sized bed. 

But sleep refused to take him.

He had no idea how long he spent clamping his eyes tightly shut, praying for the release of sleep that just would not come. Eventually, he decided it was a lost cause and stumbled towards his living room. 

The middle of the night was as good a time as any to go over case files- besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t have work to do. So there he was, sitting on his worn couch in the dark searching for something, anything, to distract his grief-addled mind. 

Since Rafael had not adjusted the radiator when arriving home, he began to shiver from the cold. Reaching for the blanket thrown over the couch cushion next to him, he paused. The blanket- an expensive emerald green wool- had been a gift from Abuelita last Christmas. The last Christmas present she would ever give him. It didn’t match any of the furniture in his living room but it ‘matched his eyes’ as she had told him, and was the warmest piece of fabric he had ever owned. Abuelita had always bought him the best presents, she knew him better than anyone else ever would.

Suddenly, tears poured out of his eyes like they had been hiding behind his lids since he was a child. His body trembled as exhaustion trumped his stronghold on his feelings. Sitting in the dark clutching onto an old blanket and weeping for his grandmother- how did he become so pathetic? 

He remembered the last time he had cried like this, like the world was collapsing around him. He was ten years old and his mother had taken an overnight trip to the ER at the hands of his father. Helplessness and fear for his mother overwhelmed him as his pillowcase dampened with tears. Abuelita had stepped quietly into his little room and perched herself on the corner of his tiny bed, humming a lullaby just loud enough for him to hear, but soft enough to be for only him. Emerging from his blanketed fortress, he crawled towards the elderly woman and accepted her embrace. She held him tight and rocked his tiny body, murmuring in his ear,  
“It’s okay Rafi, I’m here. Estás a salvo mi nieto.”

He felt like he was dying; like his heart was being ripped apart inside of his chest and the pieces scattered throughout his ribcage. All he wanted was to be held and rocked and sung to and told he was safe. But Abuelita was gone and no one could ever understand his pain the way she could. It took all of his willpower not to become hysterical. 

Then, from the back of his mind a recording played from earlier that day,  
“I’m here if you need me. Anytime you wanna to talk I’ll be there, I mean it.” And before he could think better of it, searched through his contacts to find Carisi’s number.

He squinted at the small font displaying the time on his phone- 2:37am. The detective had work the next morning- or rather later that morning- and there was no way he would be awake. Nonetheless, after four rings he picked up.

“Rafael?” Confusion and concern clouded his gravelly voice and it was apparent the call had woken Carisi. The use of his first name did not even phase Rafael as guilt swirled through his stomach at the thought of waking the younger man. Sucking in a deep breathe in an attempt to level his undoubtedly shaky voice, Rafael realised he had no idea what to say.

“Rafael, are you okay?” Urgency crept into his tone which only made Rafael feel worse. He couldn’t ask Carisi to be his emotional crutch, the man had too much else on his mind. His whole career involved offering support to victims of awful crimes; but Rafael was not a victim. He really did need Carisi’s comfort but he knew it wasn’t fair to ask that of a man he could barely consider a friend.

“No- I mean I don’t know,” A humourless laugh rattled through his chest and he sighed, “I really don’t know why I called, detective. Apologies. I’ll see you at work in the morning.”

“No, hey It’s fine. I said you could call whenever right?” Carisi spoke softly, as though he was speaking to a frightened animal. Rafael supposed this was his victim voice. Surprisingly, it calmed him. When the detective received no response save for a dry sob, his line of the call became cluttered with the rustling of sheets.

“Text me your address.” Rafael got the feeling this was not a question, and predicting the older man’s objection Carisi added, “And don’t try to tell me you’re fine, I know you’re not.” Rafael had very little fight left in him after everything and knew he could not push Carisi away, even if he wanted to. And frighteningly to Rafael, he felt he did not want to. There was something about those ocean blue eyes that made him feel safe and secure in a way he could not explain.

The doorbell sounded twenty minutes later, alerting him to Carisi’s presence. The younger man, dressed in a green flannel shirt and bluejeans had a look on his face that made Rafael want to start bawling all over again. If there was one thing he could not stand, it was being pitied and yet somehow coming from the detective it almost seemed reassuring. Carisi was an empath, Rafael knew this, he also knew it was like second nature for the man to throw himself into helping people. With what little energy had left, Rafael fought back the tears that threatened to once again stream down his red, splotchy face and let Carisi inside. Feeling somewhat uncomfortable with the situation, Rafael just stood there in the centre of his dark living room, waiting for the detective to say something.

“It’s okay to cry Raf, I’m not gonna judge you,” Carisi cooed, stepping closer to the older man. As soon as the words left the detectives lips, tears spilled from his red eyes. Any other time Rafael would have detested being spoken to with the victim voice but in that moment, it was as if he knew Carisi could take all of his hurting away with just his words. 

Collapsing onto the couch with his head in his hands, snot and tears pooling in his palms, Rafael felt for the second time that night that he would not survive the pain he was feeling. Except this time, careful fingers wrapped the heavy, woolen blanket around his shoulders and he heard the faint rushing of water from the kitchen as Carisi poured him a glass of water. Rafael could not remember the last time someone he wasn’t paying brought him a glass of water without him asking. The cushion next to him dipped with the weight of the younger man as he tentatively sat next to the weeping attorney. Past the point of feeling any kind of shame, Rafael grabbed at the soft fabric of Carisi’s shirt and lay his head in the crook of his neck. The detective pulled him into a tight embrace and gently traced circles on his back.

He pushed his nose further into its resting place and couldn’t help but feel that this was how it was meant to be. Him and Carisi, bodies mashed together to become one. He wanted to curl up inside the man’s embrace and live there forever, protected from any pain the world threw at him. Pressing his cheek against Rafael’s head, the younger man began to whisper into his ear.

“Sono qui per te. Non vado da nessuna parte,” Rafael had not even considered that the man knew Italian, “Mi importa di te, sei al sicuro con me.”

The gentle words of the detective instilled a kind of calm in Rafael he hadn’t felt since the last time his abuelita had sung him to him, stroking his hair as he fell asleep. Now an intelligent, handsome and unbelievably kind man with a voice as smooth as honey held him in his arms whispering comfort into his ear after travelling across the city in the middle of the night just for him. Carisi was not his abuelita, but for that moment it did not matter. Carisi made him feel safe, like the harsh world outside couldn't touch him.

Abuelita was still dead. He would still never hear her voice as she sung or help her cook dinner or listen to her talk his ear off about her hatred of hospitals. But as he felt himself drifting into sleep being held so intimately by the younger man, Rafael knew he would survive.

**Author's Note:**

> Estás a salvo mi nieto- You're safe my grandson  
> Sono qui per te- i’m here for you  
> Mi importa di te- I care about you  
> Non vado da nessuna parte- I’m not going anywhere  
> Sei al sicuro con me- you’re safe with me
> 
> if anything is translated badly please let me know!


End file.
